Broken
by unnaturallygreen93
Summary: The night Remus left for the last time was the night she broke. The story of what went through Tonks' mind the night of the Battle of Hogwarts; what she felt and why she left Teddy, knowing the danger.


**This is just a short one shot I wrote for a contest one day. I own nothing. Let me know what you think if you'd like :)**

I told him I'd be fine. Said be safe, kissed him goodbye, and waved as he walked away. Then *pop* and he's gone. I melt to the ground. Hold it together. I can't do this right now. I have to be strong for baby Teddy. I take a deep breath… and lose it as sobs wrack my body. There is nothing right now but pain. Pain and worry. What if he doesn't come back? What if he comes back and everyone else we love doesn't? What if he's hurt? Is he scared? Is he thinking of me? I knew this was coming, but I've been strong. For him. For Teddy. Remus didn't need to see this. He couldn't be distracted by anything. That would only cause him danger. So I've held it in. And now… Time loses meaning. I don't know how long I sit in the grass, oblivious to my surroundings. The sun is setting before I comprehend the passage of the day. Focus. Breathe in. Breathe out. I have to go get Teddy.  
I focus on my feet as I walk back towards the house. Keep them in line. Put them in the right place. In this state, I'm liable to fall. I tilt sideways to touch the wall; to keep myself grounded in the here and now. The wall ends, and I lose my balance. Luckily, my dad catches me. Where did he come from? Oh. I'm in the living room. How'd I get here already? I look up and center my attention on the only thing that matters right now. My beautiful baby boy. I have to take care of him. I walk over and take his sleeping form out of his grandma's arms, ignoring the concerned glance she shoots me. Teddy. He's all that matters. Teddy. I repeat his name over and over to myself, making my mind tune out everything else.  
I can hear my parents murmuring as I walk out. It doesn't matter. Not right now. I catch the word Hogwarts and freeze. It does matter. They're talking about where he is. I tune in just in time to hear the word dead. My mind violently shudders as it threatens to disengage again. I've got to get out of here. I break into a run, holding the little bundle to my chest.  
We end up in the nursery my parents have set up for him. My breathing seems way too fast to me, so I try to match his. One breath for every two he takes. I press him against my chest, just so I can feel his heartbeat. I try to slow mine down. We rock. Back and forth, over and over again. He fusses. I murmur to him. He is loved. He is safe. He settles down. I rock some more. I'm not sure if it's for him or me. I decide it's probably me, and stop. I'm losing it again. Teddy. My son. I settle him into the crook of my arm and stare into his face. How long I've waited for him. I think about the day he was born. The joy I felt. The look on Remus' face. Oh god. Remus.  
I'm rocking again. I don't know when I started. I can't hold him anymore. I'm going to hurt him. Then where would I be. Less than nothing. I'm already at nothing. I need out of here. Step by step. Nothing fast. Can't let my chest rip apart right now. Protect him. Protect who? Which him? Teddy lets out a small whimper, and I jump. Get out. Now. Walk to the crib. Lay him down. Kiss his forehead. Go… Where? Where can I go? My mom is coming. She'll want to be with me. She can't see me like this. I can only think of one place with privacy.  
The water is running and the door is locked before I let go. They won't bother me in here for a long time. I've always taken long baths. It won't be abnormal. They won't worry. They should worry. Someone should worry. I'm worried. I hear them talking again, but I don't want to know. I slide into the water and let my head fall beneath the surface. In the sudden silence, I am jolted into memories. The first time I saw Remus, it was this quiet. Of course, I knew who he was long before. But it wasn't until after he left Hogwarts that his name got associated with a real person. He was a myth before. The good werewolf. I walked into the room, early for the Order meeting. Odd. I'm normally late. It was dead silent. Lost in my own world, I didn't realize there was anyone else there until I sat down right next to him. Startled, he looked up at me, then smiled.  
He's smiling at me again. Months later, after an assignment. It was the first time around him I hadn't managed to destroy anything. He grinned at me, and simply said, "Well done, Tonks." My heart was his.  
Not smiling now. He's realized that I think of him as more than a friend. In fact, he is murderously angry. He disappears for weeks at a time. I find out that he is volunteering for the most dangerous assignments he can. Deliberately endangering himself. This is the first time I felt the touches of the madness that grips me now. He says he is well suited to the tasks. That they can't hurt him anymore. He's a monster, so he should do monstrous things. I disagree. I just want him home. I begin to get sick when he leaves. Lose track of entire days.  
Finally, the others stepped in. I think Molly was the one that finally talked sense into him. Molly could talk sense into a garden hedge if she wanted to.  
A smile, but not my smile. A nervous one. Why is he so scared? Then he gets down on one knee and everything is clear. And I've never been happier.  
More memories flood through, both good and bad. Our wedding day. The day I told him I was pregnant. The weeks he left after that. The day Teddy was born. But more than anything, I am overwhelmed by the emotions that started the first time he left. I thought when he left during my pregnancy, that was the worst it could ever be. I could handle anything else. I was wrong. It doesn't get easier. Every time builds on the last, getting worse and worse. Till you can't see past them anymore. I am alive, but I am not. My head is above water, but I still can't breathe. I am drowning.  
I can't sit here and wait anymore. Not again. Not in this, the biggest of challenges he has ever faced. Others are dead. He might be dead already. He might not. Either way, I will be with him. I will go to him now.  
As soon as I make this decision, I regret it. I can't leave Teddy. What if something happens to me? If Remus is gone, and I follow after him, what will become of our son? I cling desperately to this thought, to my responsibility as a parent. I must stay.  
But, what parent am I to him? I can't even hold him for fear of forgetting myself and hurting him. If his father never comes home, it is sure to only get worse. He wouldn't have a mother anyways. Just a shell of a person who used to be. Remus is stronger than I am. If I go, then never return, he will care for our son. No matter what. And if we both come home, then it won't matter.  
A thought that has never crossed my mind before begins to creep in. Is this all worth it? Has all this pain and danger been for something? Is my husband out risking his life for something that will mean anything when it's all said and done? Of course he is. I've always known that. I've risked my life myself. It's what I'm trained to do. There is no doubt in my mind. But then, if it's worth it, and I'm trained to fight this fight, shouldn't I be there fighting it?  
My moment of rational reasoning about staying with Teddy is long gone. I have a purpose again. I will fight. This war is to bring peace and save lives. I will do my part. And I will protect my husband. I will fight by his side, to the last if I must. Teddy has grandparents that love him very much. They'll take care of him. And if the worst should happen, they'll tell him what we fought for. What we might die for. It's a worthy cause. Isn't it?  
I calmly walk into his room, and spend a few seconds taking him in. I love him so very much. He'll be ok. When he wakes, Mommy and Daddy will both be here. I kiss his forehead, and he rolls toward me automatically. I smile.  
"Goodbye son. I love you. Never ever forget that. You are loved."  
And I go to meet my destiny.


End file.
